I had a discussion with a friend the other day about the estrangement of my father, and whether it has caused me a lot of pain.
To think and pray deeply about this has been my privilege for going on 5 years now. While I do feel pain when I have tried to call or otherwise reach out to my father, and he still will not talk with me, I have come to a better understanding of my own life in Christ because of this estrangement happening.
First of all, having battled with a spirit of rejection most of my life, I feel this particular trial has been tailor-made by God to wean me from my dependence on outward, visible signs of love from those people close to me. My heart has been, and continues to be, turned from the need for others, to the need for God alone to supply ALL my needs. There is such a freedom in finally knowing that God really does love me, really has always known me from my mother's womb, really does have all my best interests in heart. Such a freedom in finally believing these things in my heart...and not just in my head. Having this love in my heart, filling every crack and crevice of my being, frees me to love BECAUSE I am loved by my Creator, rather than in response to others.
Now, it is in the School of the Holy Spirit that I am learning to honor those who God tells us to honor, regardless of how they treat or mistreat you. I lay my tongue flat on the altar, (and sometimes feel the need to anchor it there), as well as any resentment or bitterness that may surface, and consider myself dead to all that is sin, and alive to the Christ in me. I honor my father, because he was a hard worker - working 3 jobs to make a home for us and feed the 3 of us plus his wife. I honor him because he perservered in working a shift-work job, even though his body never could sufficiently adjust to one schedule before having to switch to another schedule. He never quit, but retired with a good pension from that job.
I honor him, because he didn't leave us, as so many fathers do these days, and he spent time with us. Some of my fondest memories are sitting on his lap when I was a little girl, or holding his hand.
And, yes, I embrace the ways the Lord is using to mold me into His image. You might even say I hug to myself the very people who would try to pain me. My own image is flawed by sin and selfishness, but His image is so full of glory and light and love! Gazing on Him while allowing Him to change me into His image always bears the good fruits that He desires. I am learning to rest in Him; He is the ultimate Promise to me. All that He is is meat enough for my nourishment and not only Spirit-survival, but Spirit-flourishing, Spirit-health, Spirit-wholeness. To God be the Glory.
